Guys and gals, I hafta tell you – My wife Kris, God bless her, thinks that I am a very funny guy. She has a great sense of humor, too. (Can that be possible??? to be both???) but not necessarily known as a jokster by any stretch. She does find humor in stuff, but Kris is my Polar opposite, she holds back when she can make a good crack on someone, I on the other hand, well, you know…

So here it is: We were at the Jack in the Box drive-thru. We were getting some late night shakes, not Kris’ favorite shake place, and not mine either, but it’ll do. By the way, you ever have shake from Jack in the Box? They are the consistency of semi-dried cement. My cheeks were getting sore just trying to suck the first little shake morsel up out of the straw. Took about 3 minutes to get that stuff up, millimeter by millimeter, pausing for frequent breaks. It hurts, there I said it, It hurts to drink a Jack in the Box shake. Whew….

So Kris is in the back seat with who I lovingly call “The Littlest General” The General was being quite amicable that evening and allowed us graciously to patronize a fast food restaurant. It’s the General who dicates everything we do, and we know, if we are not good to her, she won’t be good to us. Like the old Twilight Zone episode where everyone was trying to make the little boy happy, and if they didnt, he would turn them into the likes of a jack in the box. Hmmm, how ironic. Think about it.

Ok, Kris sees a fire truck over at the Basha’s and sees someone on a stretcher. She say to me, as straight as a Sunday sermom, “Someone collapsed in front of the Basha’s, maybe they just saw the price of Nutramigen!”

I about pissed my pants when she said it. Oh my God, how funny is that. Course, then Kris would have had to change not only the Little General’s diaper, but me as well. Maybe they should put a warning sign in the baby formula aisle that reads:

Caution: This aisle is not for the faint of heart or persons with high blood pressure, exercise extreme caution when entering!

This sign was Fred’s idea, by the way…he’s funny too.

I love Kris, sometimes she says the coolest stuff.

Categories: Rantings
2 Comments »

Thats what Zoe’s Pop just dropped on formula. Its called Nutramigen® but I say we rename it to “Nu-SCAM-igen” Just kidding! this shiznit works like a charm. Their website says

Nutramigen is clinically proven to quiet colic symptoms fast â?? often within 48 hours.

…and I’ll be gosh-darned if it did do just that. She is great! poops on a good schedule, doesn’t fuss when she is a wake, sleeps good. Bonus!

I’ll bet you are wonering why cheap ass Eric dropped over 300 big ones on formula, aren’t you? Well, it’s because Target decided to put it on sale ’til Saturday. $20 a can! down from $22.29. I single-handedly depleted their entire stock. Nice. So if you are on your way to Target at Alma School and Queen Creek to get some, sorry, blame me.

Oh, by the way, I have officially scrapped the SafeWay robbery idea. I’m looking into armored cars now, I hear they aren’t to tough to knock over.

Categories: Rantings
No Comments »

Zoe is exactly one month old today, so momma dressed her up in some nice duds (thank you again to all the people who gave us clothes as gifts) and took some pics of her. They came out really good like this one, I call it, “My formula finally agrees with me” * WPG2 CANNOT LOCATE GALLERY2 ITEM ID 907 *

It’s funny because a few seconds after I thought to myself ” I can’t believe she’s 1 month old already” I imagined myself when she is 20 saying I cant beleive she’s 20 already,where did the time go?”

Anyway, just letting you know she’s doing pretty dag gum good now.

Categories: Milestones
No Comments »

I finally got the Media Center computer installed in Zoe’s room. Its got a 19″ flat panel monitor and plays TV, DVDs and more. It rocks, and so does the chair we sit in to watch it.

Thanks to Kyle and his friend DJ for running the cable line though the wall for us.

Here’s the pic of it.* WPG2 CANNOT LOCATE GALLERY2 ITEM ID 913 *

I went to take a picture of Zoe when she was waiting to eat – It was so funny because she usually tries to suck on the back of her hand while waiting (after she drops her binkie on the floor) to eat but this time she found her middle finger and buried it in her mouth all the way to her knuckles. I tied to snap a quick photo but the camera pooped out.

Speaking of poop, gotta go, Zoe topped of her diaper tank today, looks like we are back in gasto-order for now…

Categories: Rantings
No Comments »

I came up with a, let’s say, ingenius idea about how to circumvent paying the exorbitant price for the new “paycheck-imil” formula we now have Zoe on. She is already showing signs of improvement (poop) by the way, thanks for wondering.

Anyhow, the SafeWay robbery idea didn’t pan out. I chickened out in the parking lot. Wimp. Coulda been great, a proverbial Similac crime spree to cover the entire southwest proper! Oh, well – maybe if this idea doesnt work out, Ill revisit plan A. Enough banter, here it is:

Since the new formula costs roughly $20 a shot glass full, and a doctor’s visit copay is only $15 (and includes a can of formula), well you do the math. Plus we get free medical advise ON TOP of the formula. If you know the Oldenburgs then you know that mysterious aliments are part of our daily lives. We could come up with all kinds of crap, once a week, just to get in. Once we are there, we hit him up for the formula, make up some bull-pucky and be gone! GENIUS!!

Oh, and in case you didnt know, the pediatricians give out small amounts of baby formula to unsuspecting new parents, tantamount to a crack dealer giving you the first rock for free. Hey you, check this out, its great! Who me? Yeah you, you gotta try this stuff. Well, how much is it? Don’t worry about it man, I got you covered. —> All too familiar.

Well now its my turn to strike back.

If you’ve seen that email going around about the sheik in Saudi Arabia with all the pictures of his vast mansion and silver car, well, I have news for you, that’s no shiek who owns all that. It belongs to the CEO of Similac. Bet on it.

Categories: Rantings
1 Comment »

My poor little Zoe has gone on the monster gastro-intestinal roller coaster ride of her life at only 3 weeks old. Heres the deal – Apparently, Zoe is Lactose intolerant. Something that she gened up from her momma, (I never knew) so after the poop coaster hits its all time squirting high, we were told by the doctor to switch to Isomil (soy based). Tried that for a week and a half, until Zoe’s diarrhea turned into constipation and a rash on her cheeks. Back to the doctor, more advise, the soy stuff still has milk products in it (huh?, what? wtf?)

Do says

You don’t want that kinda expensive stuff, you want that REALLY EXPENSIVE STUFF!

Its called Enfamil® Pregestimil® To the tune of $10.00 a 32oz bottle. Should be called Enfamil Liquid GOLD! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Help me. I almost put a stocking on my head and ran into the safeway to rob them (he, he, GIMME ALL YOUR Enfamil® Pregestimil®!!!!!!!, not the regular stuff idiot! the Pregestimil®, and some diapers too!)

Doc says 2 to 3 days ’til we see a change in Zoe’s dispo. Anyway, Poor Momma, Zoe’s gastro-coaster has caused Kris to get no more than 1 1/2 hours of sleep at a time. I’ve been trying to fill in the gaps but it seems Zoe is immediately comfortable with Momma and not with me. Hmm, could it be my gastro-intestinal issues?

Zoe is definately worth the strech in jail for robbing the local Safeway!

Categories: Rantings
2 Comments »

* WPG2 CANNOT LOCATE GALLERY2 ITEM ID 750 *Today Zoe had her first visit with Great Grandma Oldenburg (my grandma) and she was great, Zoe that is. Kris and I took her over to my parents house for an early Sunday supper. We had a great time and got to visit Great Grandma. I don’t get to see my grandma much anymore, mostly my doing I guess. It was really cool to see my grandma holding my daughter.

My grandma and grandpa were the only ones who lived in Arizona when I came out from Connecticut to go to the U of A in 1987 and they basically took care of me while I was out here. Heck, they were the reason I came out here in the first place. My dad took me on a trip to visit them in 1984 (the first time I had ever been on a plane) and I fell in love with Arizona as soon as I got off the plane. I have since falen out of love with Satan’s Sauna and plan on divorcing from this place when I retire from the P.D. (2014, I hope) to move back East.

Anyway, grandpa died a few years ago and I miss him immensly. We were very close. Grandma is living in a guest house out with my aunt, Tina for now. So dad went and picked her up and brought her home so she could meet Zoe. Grandma was great, she held Zoe and seemed very happy to spend time with her. I honestly hope that I can meet up to my grandmothers standard as a parent and will be only dissapointed in myself if I do not.

I got some god pics, including one of 4 generations of Oldenburgs in one photo. Upload coming soon.

Categories: Rantings
3 Comments »

My new clothing idea is this; a turtleneck shirt that has cloth diapers for shoulders. It could come in all colors but “formula tan” would be the hot seller.

How did I come up with this idea you ask?

Oddly enough, the idea came to me after I was done feeding Zoe. It was a nice quiet feeding time, Mommy had just warmed up a bottle of Similac, the most expensive non-alcoholic beverage on the planet (more about that in a later rant), and she took her time finishing up. Interestingly, during the three burping sessions that took place in this feeding, little Zoe refused to belch. No big deal, she seems content enough. OK, back to the movie we were watching as she contently sits on my chest with her head on my shoulder. Nice family time…

I remarked to Kris that Zoe had not burped and no sooner did I finish saying it then Zoe let ‘er RIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPP! That’s my girl! Good out, Nice push. Diaphram like her old man. Anyway, shes starting to fade out, getting sleepy, eyelids heavy, goodni———-NOT. As her head rested ever so gently on my chest, she decided to spit up. Normal, except the fact that her mouth was positioned just inside the collar of my tee shirt. Zoe didn’t spit up on my shirt, she spit up DOWN my shirt! I’m almost positive that it never hit cloth, it just ran straight down. Funny, that’s when the idea popped into my head. TURLTENECK DIAPER SHOULDER SHIRT! What do you think? Genius if you ask me.

Any clothing makers out there, please contact me and we’ll go 50/50!

Categories: Rantings
No Comments »

Many of you might be familiar with changing diapers frequently, and if you know me might have already heard the 5 diaper incident story. First let me preface it with this:

Most parents know of the trials and tribulations involved with diaper changes. Well, I’m new to it all and my indoctrination to it was a bit, lets say, crappy. Zoe, God bless her, takes after her old man, especially in the gastro-intestinal area.

So Zoe starts to fuss, and I whisk her away to her changing table, ready to get down to work. Anyway, there I was, confident, feeling secure in my newly acquired diaper changing skills. After all, I had already changed 4 of hers and it seemed like a snap. Apparently, I was still a rookie right out of the shoot, which is exactly what I was greeted with upon removal of diaper. Little wet, but the doctor says thats normal. Wipe, wipe. All better.

I gently slide diaper #1 under her bum and am immediately presented with another mini-duece, courtesy of my favorite daughter. Little wet, no issue, wipe wipe, slide on diaper #2 – done. Wrong! apparently there is some type of urinary reflex that I was warned about when wiping up with a heated wipe (yes, Mom purchased a wipe warmer for her) but hardly took the time to ponder, until it was running over my hand. Bam, there goes #2 here comes #3. Clean, fresh, dry, dirty, wet – OUCH! More? where did that come from? you stopped already, it was over, or so I thought. Fine, goodbye to #3, hello #4. I paused for about 1 minute, just to be sure we were out of the woods.

Alright, at this point, I am literally thinking “this is unbeleiveable, it couldn’t get any worse.” As if Zoe’s vocal cords had a sudden growth spurt, and she taunted me “Oh, yes it can Daddy!” Here comes a quick spurt, like when the shake machine runs out at McDonald’s but is still trying. All over Daddy’s hand. I love my little poop machine. Ok, feeling as though this incident wouldn’t end before my diaper supply did, I waited another minute. good, nothing, no more, please?!?!!?!?

Zoe decided to let me off the hook at 5, wow, a record, but remember: Records are made to be broken. And knowing that Zoe shares in my digestinal ways, it wont be too long…

Categories: Rantings
1 Comment »

In strict adherence with family tradition (eating food), at 2 weeks old, Zoe had her first visit to YC’s Mongolian BBQ today. For those of you who do not know, my brother Fred and I have been patrons of YC’s Mongolian BBQ for nearly 17 years. We have slowly, over the years, got the rest of our family and friends hooked on this northern Asia style delicasy. Its a really good restaurant that I try to visit once every two weeks at a bare minimum. You can get a complete meal for 8 bucks. Cheap, my kinda place.

Luckily for Zoe, she did not partake in any of the culinary pleasures today, or she may have been susceptible to YC’s revenge:a common stomach wrenching ailment causing a mass “running for the exit” by your ingestiations.

She was actually as quiet as a church mouse the entire time. She didnt make a peep even though she was awake the whole time. She did so well that when we got home we took her and the dogs for a 20 minute walk and still not a sound, just curious amazement in her eyes.

Needless to say, Kris and I are very happy with her disposition thus far.

Categories: Rantings
No Comments »