Kris tricked me. It was a dirty trick, literally, and you’ll see why in a few minutes. I came home from work yeaterday, kinda as usual, status quo. I played with Zoe for a few seconds (oops I mean minutes) and gave her to Kris as soon as she started to fuss. I had just finished a 4 mile run at work and I literally stunk – BAD. So anyway, I think Zoe smelled my foulness right away and wanted to go to sweet smelling Momma. So I hand her off and tell momma that she was a bit fussy. Momma told me that she might have a wet diaper ’cause it had been a little while siunce Kris changed her last. I told her OK. Unfortunately, I was mesmerized by my computer, as usual, and forgot completely about Zoe, Kris, and just about anything that did not exist withing the 19 inches of my monitor. Kris will attest to you that this is typical and, frankly, I have no rebuttal.

So I here this baby voice from the family room “Daddy, I think I need my diaper changed” (Kris doing her best to imitate Zoe’s future voice). I immediately sprung up. She could have said “Eric” a thousandtimes and I would not have even heard it once, but say “Daddy” and I spring to life. Go figure.

Anyway, I jump up, drop what I was doing and whisk Zoe off to the changing table. Like a swimmer from any random Jaws flick, I swam into the diaper ocean with reckless abandon and even a bit of comfort, not knowing the sheer terror of what lurks under the deeps of Zoe’s diaper. Dunna, dunna, dunta, dunta, dunta dunnunaaaa!! (Jaws theme) I unsnap the onsie, pee back the diapers taps and — INSERT SHRIEK HERE — Attacked by the lurking poop shark swimming in the depths, lurking, waiting, hiding, maksed by my own rotten odor. I snap my head to yell at Kris in the family room but see her in the doorway, like Ashton Kutcher from PUNKD! pointing and laughing.

She got me good, and apparently heard the blast doors behind Zoe’s diaper sound off that a charge had been planted, while sitting in the living room, but failed to tell me before I lurked into the deep ocean.

Like swimming with sharks over here, and no one to hear my screams, except you guys! HELP!!!

Categories: Rantings
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