So there we were. In the pool. It was my turn with Zoe. I have her for lessons on Tuesdays and Momma has her on Thursdays. I went into this lesson knowing that Zoe was going to be dunked under the water today. I was good with it. Halfway through class we were told by our instructor, Miss Erica, to grab the strainers. These are just plastic colanders like the ones you use to strain spaghetti.

We were to sing �??It�??s raining It�??s Pouring�?� as we strain the water on their heads, to get them used to having water in their face and eyes. I will be honest (I�??ll hear it from Momma later, after she reads this) that when I observed her using the strainer with Zoe, I felt she was using it a little timidly, not soaking Zoe enough. I kept this to myself. Now I had one in my hand knowing she was going under today. I, needless to say, used it quite liberally, drenching poor Zoe. This may have been the starting point of the problem. Zoe didn�??t seem to care for it much based on her responses. No cries, just an unpleasant look in her watery eyes.

Here we go. Put up the strainers says Miss Erica. We are going to put them under now. Up until this point in class, for the past several lessons, we have been doing these little swooshing drills. What are those you ask? Well, they go like this. You hold your child facing you and you swoosh them from back and forth, dipping them in progressively more water. There is a cadence that goes with it. �??One Shoulder, Two Shoulder, Three Ear, Four Ear.�?� This is then repeated three times per session. Today it was to be modified. On �??Four�?� we are to dunk the child�??s head all the way under, in the same swooshing stroke, then give them one wipe down the face and lots of praise, definitely no �??oh my goodness, are you OK?�?� kinda stuff.. Also, for those of you who do not know, for babies, you are to blow in their face to get them to shut their eyes and hold their breath right before the dousing commences. I�??m good. I�??m ready.

Then came the disclaimer from Miss Erica. It was all about �??water intoxication�?� that can be caused by children ingesting too much water form being dunked.

Side note:

WTF?? Can I do anything in this world? Can I receive a service or training or do anything without first getting a disclaimer shoved down my throat? I hate them. I hated this one especially because it scared me.

The symptoms of this �??intoxication” are your child acting intoxicated, poor motor skills, balance problems, wandering eyes, etc. I thought to myself, how the heck am I gonna be able to tell if she�??s got it? Doesn�??t that describe all 7 month old children?

So now I�??m scared. Miss Erica told everyone to begin, which they did. Not me. Not the 6�??4�?�, 12 year police veteran. No, he just looked at his daughter and froze. He couldn�??t do it. I couldn�??t do it. I was making entry into the homicide suspect�??s house and I froze in the door. Help me, I screamed (on the inside) but quietly said �?? I can�??t do it�?� so that only Miss Erica could hear me. Miss Erica replied �??Do you want me to do it?�?� �??I just handed her Zoe feeling absolutely horrible. Miss Erica was chuckling a little and started the swooshing. �??One Shoulder, Two Shoulder�?��?� As this happened a crescendo of fight or flight syndrome begain to overwhelm me. I pictured myself grabbing Zoe mid swoosh and running as far away as possible, far away and safe.�?� Time slowed down to a stand still. I�??m still there as I type. Seeing it. Hating it. �??�?� Four!�?� NO!!! Miss Erica gave a big blow in Zoe�??s face and dunked her under. It felt like she took her to the bottom of the deep end and held her under for a week. In reality it was probably 2 inches under and half a second until she was back out.

Zoe was great. I was the baby. A jack-ass and, according to Miss Erica, the only dad who has ever froze at the moment of truth. She said usually it was quite the opposite. HEY EVERYONE! Come look at the big jack-ass in the pool. Zoe didn�??t ingest any water, didn�??t cry and received copious amounts of praise from Miss Erica. Good job Zoe. Now it�??s Daddy�??s turn. �??One- Two-Three-Four�?� This time its going real fast, I did it though, she made it. Of course, my verbal praise was counter-balanced by the look on my face that clearly was screaming �??Are you OK?�?� and �??I�??m sorry for doing that.�?� Zoe started to whimper a bit, so I put her over my shoulder (so she couldn�??t see my face) and gave her praise. She was smiling in no time. Apparently a Mom from the other side of the pool did see my face and came right over and exclaimed �??Don�??t worry, she won�??t remember any of this.�?� HEY EVERYONE! Come look at the REALLY BIG jack-ass in the pool.

And of course, as if it wasn�??t bad enough, Zoe started hiccupping after her lesson. I told Miss Erica and she laughed out loud. She assured me that Zoe had not ingested any water at all. I told her that Zoe looked like one of those drunks from cartoon and that I thought I could even see bubbles popping over her head.

You really can’t make this stuff up….too funny!

Categories: Rantings
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